my little way is the way of spiritual childhood. The way of trust and absolute self-surrender
– St. Thérèse of Lisieux
I have been struggling with surrendering myself completely to my husband and to the Lord.
It is perhaps easier for me to speak about how I have not been submitting to my husband absolutely than it is to speak about how I haven’t fully surrendered myself to God. This is simply because my husband is physically present with me every day. I can literally see him. I can audibly hear his voice guiding me and correcting me.
The one of the reasons I haven’t fully surrendered is because I do not trust completely. When I don’t tell my husband of my thoughts regarding something it is because I don’t trust that he will respond in a way that is in my best interests. In a way, withholding my thoughts from my husband is me grasping for control, because now I decide what he’s ready to hear. This lack of trust results in fear, and therefore results in me trying to grasp at control (which of course explains my action). More importantly, where does the lack of trust come from? I believe that trust comes from believing that I am loved. And therefore the lack of absolute trust comes from not being convinced that I am loved completely.
Love is willing the good of the other, and then doing something concrete about it. It’s not an emotion, it’s not an attitude. It’s a movement of the will. To want the good of the other, and do something about it. That’s love.
Of course none of us can say that we love completely because we are only human. However, I think that I can still place absolute trust in my husband because he has proven his love to me over and over again. If he does fail in loving me occasionally, why should I be bothered? It is nothing surprising to me because only the Lord loves perfectly (which is of no surprise either because He is Love itself). No tragedy will befall me if my husband is not perfect in his love because the Lord will turn all moments into lessons for my soul, like a Father who uses every opportunity to instruct his child.
So I will choose and try daily and in every moment to trust my husband completely and therefore to submit absolutely.
If I shall strive for this form of self-surrender to my husband, how much more should I strive to submit completely to God? If I choose to trust my husband completely in spite of his imperfect love, how much more should I choose to trust my God who is Love itself?
My soul desires to give of itself in trust and self-surrender first to my God and then to my husband. At the same time, I know that everything is grace. God will instruct me in the way of spiritual childhood in His own time; using the mundane moments of my life as learning exercises. Perhaps my submission to my husband in our total power exchange dynamic is one of these exercises; a dress rehearsal for the performance.