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"Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart." – Luke 2:19 (RSV)

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addiction

Procrastination

Addiction

In the past few days and especially today, I have been procrastinating turning to God. Instead, I desperately try to substitute the Lord with earthly comforts (wealth, pleasure, honor, power). It doesn’t work of course, no matter how much I wish that it would. I have many years of experience with addiction so I know what it feels like. The scary thing is that I feel the addiction to these earthly comforts coming on.

Being addicted is to not be able to say no even though you want to. It’s the stripping away of freedom, the binding of the will in chains.

I am terrified of addiction. So I try to turn to my Lord and my husband to help me avoid it at all costs.

The Spiritual Canticle, Stanza 2 – Reflection

daddy

Stanza 2:

Shepherds, you who go
up through the sheepfolds to the hill,
if by chance you see
him I love most,
tell him I am sick, I suffer, and I die.

Commentary:

… in this verse the soul does no more than disclose to the Beloved her need and suffering. The discreet lover does not care to ask for what she lacks and desires, but only indicates this need so the Beloved may do what he pleases…

There are three reasons for this: First, the Lord knows what is suitable for us better than we do; second, the Beloved has more compassion when he beholds the need and resignation of a soul that loves him; third, the soul is better safeguarded against self-love and possessiveness by indicating its lack, rather than asking for what in its opinion is wanting.

– St. John of the Cross, The Spiritual Canticle

I know that I have needs that are unfulfilled. Often times though I do not know what they are. The Lord knows my needs more than I do. And so, I do not trust myself to ask the Lord for specific things. All I want is His will, so all I ask is for that. I know that the Lord’s will is for me to be fully alive, for my needs to be met. So I trust in His will alone and not my own will.

Bishop Robert Barron mentions in this video that repressed needs will not go away, they will simply resurface in a distorted way.

What areas of my life are a disordered manifestation of repressed needs? The earthly goods of wealth, honor, pleasure and power. I procrastinate turning to God in order to indulge further in these earthly goods. As a result, a disordered desire for these goods grow and grow because I become more and more convinced that they can fill my needs. I need more and more of them because they can never meet the needs that I have. And so these can become an addiction; I can’t turn away from them even if I wanted to.

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